For context : we're living in Senegal with our family for a couple of months. At the moment "the new" is starting to wear off and it's not always easy ... learning as we go.

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After almost 3 months taking my children to school every day and being treated as a museum exhibit while doing so, today it was just too much.
I really couldn't cope anymore with being called out with the same questions, every, single day. Obviously I made an utter fool of myself while getting caught up in the moment ... and probably just made it worse now.
Is this what they call reverse racism?

The PhD aftermath is starting to sink in. It feels liberating and I'm ready to embrace uncertainty.
During the next few months I'm exploring future steps and directions, let's see what's on the horizon.

Little family miniconflict about what / how we're going to share things online with friends. I'm putting everything on hold for a while until the situation is more clear again.
We've arrived safely though in Senegal.

I've been a bit absent, lured into the birdsite too much the past months. Nevertheless, looking forward to defend my PhD on October 21st!

Meanwhile, the phd manuscript is submitted. It still feels odd that the thing it out of the door, but not out of the mind (yet).

Ok, I value honest and unbiassed feedback for sure ... but what I just received in my inbox resembles a nuclear torpedo launch.

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9 days before I'm supposed to be submitting my phd manuscript and I'm on the verge of pulling all the plugs.

Over the past week I've been sharing some parts of my phd thesis with peers. Getting some strong comments regarding my writing style, English grammar and vocabulary. So strange that no-one told me this before, I'd really like to figure out how I can improve my writing - yet suggesting what I could do to write better is something people have difficulties with.

As I'm editing through my thesis, I sometimes think "ow, did I really write this? cool!" to "wtf is this, this section needs to be changed entirely!"

When your PhD commission starts to comment that subtitles could be changed to reflect the content better ... I tend to conclude the text is ready to be submitted.

It was quite a mental leap for me to pick up on the pre-covid ritual of making packed lunches. In all honesty, I don't want "it" to start weaning off.

Sounds that remind me of my childhood to wind down today. I still have the vinyl single my mum used to play.

I really don't want to spend any mental effort on defending my case in any way.

If my commission is supportive, I'll gladly push on to the end of the phd.

If they don't, I'll just publish what I have on github and mentally move on.

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I have a meeting with my committe on June 9th where I'll kind of state I want to submit by July 8th.
As long as no-one gives me feedback on that plan, I've decided to just push ahead.

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Puked up what I wanted to say in my PhD chapter intro.
Now, onto revisions.

Today's anxiety was caused by having the feeling I get 0 respect for trying to finish my phd work.
Probably untrue, but still ... that's where my mind is at.

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I played in the live orchestra of a Jesus Christ Superstar show way back in 1998-99. The song that stuck with me until today is Gethsemane.
Whenever I'm in doubt regarding whatever, I find myself coming back to it.
Did find this rather awesome Korean version though

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Roeckoe 🐦

Home to the Roeckoe family & some friends