I really don't want to spend any mental effort on defending my case in any way.
If my commission is supportive, I'll gladly push on to the end of the phd.
If they don't, I'll just publish what I have on github and mentally move on.
I have a meeting with my committe on June 9th where I'll kind of state I want to submit by July 8th.
As long as no-one gives me feedback on that plan, I've decided to just push ahead.
Today's anxiety was caused by having the feeling I get 0 respect for trying to finish my phd work.
Probably untrue, but still ... that's where my mind is at.
I played in the live orchestra of a Jesus Christ Superstar show way back in 1998-99. The song that stuck with me until today is Gethsemane.
Whenever I'm in doubt regarding whatever, I find myself coming back to it.
Did find this rather awesome Korean version though https://youtu.be/u4SobcNflRE
It for sure isn't all peaches and cream. Last week was, literally, filled with emotions*. Tears, cries, anger but also loud laughs and soothing cuddles.
*For everyone in the family, my wife, myself and the three children under our roof.
Yesterday we hear S might move out sooner than planned, but hearing from his teachers that after one week his behaviour had already changed (for the better) made me realise that the energy we are putting in pays off in the long run.
Over the past days we shouted, laughed, cried and talked a lot. After 4 days the cuts are still deep, and probably will get deeper, but we march on. In the end, everyone will gain from this, for greater justice.
My wife said : "if it all fails, at least we'll have learned a lot ourselves".
That's keeping me strong right now, because the message makes sense.
tbh I'm super tensed up ... in the past we took care of several younger children (1,5 - 3 or 4 year old) where the emotional 'baggage' was difficult enough.
I honestly have no idea what things will be like with an older child. Diving it head first.
I've been listening quite a bit to Oasis' Stop Crying Your Heart Out - I think its lyrics and mood are currently a good mirror of my current state of mind. https://open.spotify.com/track/2NhzOhdlLtBuA7T5ZmO5hG?si=TDwUEsbxTYG9J9TZsv5RDQ
Cancelled my WoW classic subscription. I had to realise the hard way it had been slowly overtaking a serious chunk of my family and social interactions.
It's still one of my favourite games, it just sucks it's so damn good at pulling all the psychological strings in my mind. I eventually decided to quit for my own mental sanity.
I literally was about to reply : fuck this shit. All of it.
I'll just push on and get it done. All of it.
I'm in full force to consolidate my phd work in a finalised draft.
Today I got an email from one of my supervisors : "perhaps you should ask someone to review your level of english before sending your draft next time".
Like ... we've been at this for almost 5 years now, and this is the feedback you give me?
Next generation alchemist * Full stack human #nobot
Home to the Roeckoe family & some friends