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9 days before I'm supposed to be submitting my phd manuscript and I'm on the verge of pulling all the plugs.

Over the past week I've been sharing some parts of my phd thesis with peers. Getting some strong comments regarding my writing style, English grammar and vocabulary. So strange that no-one told me this before, I'd really like to figure out how I can improve my writing - yet suggesting what I could do to write better is something people have difficulties with.

As I'm editing through my thesis, I sometimes think "ow, did I really write this? cool!" to "wtf is this, this section needs to be changed entirely!"

When your PhD commission starts to comment that subtitles could be changed to reflect the content better ... I tend to conclude the text is ready to be submitted.

It was quite a mental leap for me to pick up on the pre-covid ritual of making packed lunches. In all honesty, I don't want "it" to start weaning off.

Sounds that remind me of my childhood to wind down today. I still have the vinyl single my mum used to play.

I really don't want to spend any mental effort on defending my case in any way.

If my commission is supportive, I'll gladly push on to the end of the phd.

If they don't, I'll just publish what I have on github and mentally move on.

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I have a meeting with my committe on June 9th where I'll kind of state I want to submit by July 8th.
As long as no-one gives me feedback on that plan, I've decided to just push ahead.

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Puked up what I wanted to say in my PhD chapter intro.
Now, onto revisions.

Today's anxiety was caused by having the feeling I get 0 respect for trying to finish my phd work.
Probably untrue, but still ... that's where my mind is at.

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I played in the live orchestra of a Jesus Christ Superstar show way back in 1998-99. The song that stuck with me until today is Gethsemane.
Whenever I'm in doubt regarding whatever, I find myself coming back to it.
Did find this rather awesome Korean version though

It for sure isn't all peaches and cream. Last week was, literally, filled with emotions*. Tears, cries, anger but also loud laughs and soothing cuddles.

*For everyone in the family, my wife, myself and the three children under our roof.

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Yesterday we hear S might move out sooner than planned, but hearing from his teachers that after one week his behaviour had already changed (for the better) made me realise that the energy we are putting in pays off in the long run.

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Foster parenting adventure, one week in.
It's been intense, but being able to provide a child with structure and life assurance is why we do this.

Over the past days we shouted, laughed, cried and talked a lot. After 4 days the cuts are still deep, and probably will get deeper, but we march on. In the end, everyone will gain from this, for greater justice.

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The start of a new foster parenting adventure is always super tough. It really is a sudden disruption of the social fabric in a family, everyone looses their equilibrium and together you start rebuilding it.

My wife said : "if it all fails, at least we'll have learned a lot ourselves".
That's keeping me strong right now, because the message makes sense.

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tbh I'm super tensed up ... in the past we took care of several younger children (1,5 - 3 or 4 year old) where the emotional 'baggage' was difficult enough.
I honestly have no idea what things will be like with an older child. Diving it head first.

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